Here I am: graduated from college, staying at my parents’ house in Ohio, trying to figure out what I’m going to do with my life.
This is not all it was cracked up to be.
I didn’t expect to have a lasting, warm-fuzzy graduation feeling. That’s not how I operate. But I guess I expected something to feel different. The only thing that’s different is now instead of stress about classes I have stress about finding a job (which I started feeling toward the end of my last semester, now it’s just multiplied). I want to move out by the end of the summer. I need to live my own life. I’m just afraid that it’s not going to happen as soon as I’d like it to.
Part of the problem with everything is that I need a job. And the problem with finding a job is that I don’t want one. No, I’m not being lazy. I want to work. But I don’t want to go in to a 9 to 5 and deal with people everyday. I want to write. I want this blog to become big enough to bring in some income. I want to get a couple books published. I want to do micro-writing jobs online.
Is that so unrealistic? I’m… cautiously optimistic that it’s not.
After graduation, I said my (tearful) goodbyes and headed home with my parents. It was a long drive. I planned what I’d be doing to prepare for the rest of my life. I planned cautiously, leaving time for my mom to spring projects on me last minute. I wanted to go through all my things, pack up what I won’t need until I move out, downsize to make moving easier. I thought up a list of excuses my parents would eventually need for various things like why I don’t have eighteen interviews lined up.
My parents are wonderful people. There’s no way for them to not ask me about jobs and my future career because they care about me. I love that. It just feels like I’m being bombarded when I’m not. Probably because I feel like I’m not going anywhere right now.
Two weeks and I feel stagnant! What is this anyway? Do I really need a fantastic job right out of school to feel like I’ve accomplished anything? Should I be moved out with a down payment on a house by now? I should at least own a car by now, right?
Not at all.
It’s all those thoughts that have tinged my mood ghastly since graduation. I know they’re wrong. I don’t need all those things right out of school and no one realistically expects me to have them either. Building a reputation online, getting work published, making money doing what you love, it all takes time. I don’t understand why I feel like I don’t have any time to do that.
I’ve done plenty since coming home. I downsized, got rid of a few boxes worth of things, packed up a lot, posted textbooks on Amazon, took my sisters out for a day, helped my mom with a couple projects around the house, and I’ve started redoing the front and back porch as a Father’s Day gift. Yet these things feel hollow because they’re not a full-time, well-paying job that will enable me to move out. I’m editing my already existing ebook so I can republish it and promote it. I’ve sent my short story Faded Ink out to try to get it published and I sent out a gaming poem to an online journal. I got on my fiverr account to try to get some micro-writing gigs. I’m moving, but it doesn’t seem fast enough.
I have to remind myself not to give up. I’ve got a lot of people in my life who support me and have already helped me so much. It all seems quite overwhelming right now but I know that I can do this. God willing, I can do it.