I’d like to address that my cat of 12 years, Blessing, passed away last month. I’ve wanted to write this post for a couple weeks now. I wanted to but I just… I didn’t feel ready. I’m not sure I feel ready now but I think that not talking about her on here has been a factor in my inability to write posts. I want to be always honest with you and not telling you something this big about my life feels dishonest. It’s felt like I’ve been outright lying even though I really haven’t been.
She was my wonderful, obnoxious, loving, kitty for most of my life. She was extra difficult these last few years but I loved her. I’m going to miss her for a long time, maybe the rest of my life. Probably the rest of my life.
Of course I’m sad she’s gone. She was in pain at the end so there is relief. She was also, as I said, extra difficult. So there is some relief in not having to deal with her problems anymore. I didn’t love her less for her issues but I think it’s unrealistic to sugarcoat the good of the deceased and ignore the negative. I know it’s a coping mechanism for many people but it isn’t mine. Even just after a death (person or animal) I want to remember them and talk about them the way they really were, not some idealized version that everyone is making them out to be.
I grieve her. Deeply. I know it’s only been almost a month. I don’t think I’m done grieving her yet. But I’m done bursting into tears at her memory. I can talk about her and now I am writing about her and not getting worked up too much. For me, being able to think and talk about her without tears is me moving my life forward. I’ll ALWAYS remember her lovingly but I do need to live my life.
Despite this blog, and my willingness to share much of my life, tragedy is still very private for me. I will share when I’m ready but initially, well, my circle is very small. I don’t tell many people about bad things that happen. With Blessing’s death I think I told more people than I ever have before and I think a big reason was how long I’d had her. But I think I only told three people she was really sick before her passing. I didn’t post anything on Facebook or anywhere on social media. I didn’t tell any of my coworkers right off. I didn’t even tell my siblings about it (although I think my mom let them know).
There are reasons I don’t share my grief, at least initially. I don’t like reliving it. That’s the biggest one. Everything that reminds me she’s dead forces me to confront that she’s gone. Over and over and over. And I hate that. I don’t want notifications with people’s sympathy because I appreciate the sentiment but I don’t want that sadness brought up again. I cry on my own terms. I grieve on my own time. I don’t want to get texts or calls or messages about this tragedy. I don’t want to dread picking up my phone. I don’t want my heart to start racing when I check Facebook because I don’t know if that notification is going to be a funny meme or a comment on that picture of my dead cat. I also don’t want Facebook to drag up that status in a year or two years or 5 years and remind me of it.
I will remember it. I will decide when to look at pictures. I will decide when to watch cute videos of her. I will decide when I’m ready to share this news. I will decide who to share it with.
I am incapable of speaking when I’m crying. It’s just not a skill I possess. So I HATE trying to share sad news with someone when I am not past the crying-at-every-thought-and-mention phase of grieving. I can’t really share and I end up getting a headache and feeling like garbage. So I really don’t want to cry a lot around people. Not because I’m embarrassed but because it is inconvenient and I can’t express myself the way I want. I’m not bottling up my emotions. I just want them to be let out on my terms, not yours.
I’ve said my goodbyes to my baby. I’m working my way through this. If I don’t share something with you when it happens, please don’t be offended or feel that I don’t count you as a friend/confidant! I’m just working through things in my own way.
I seriously already feel like a weight is being lifted off me for writing this. I appreciate every one of you! Thank you all for being so understanding these last few weeks!