Everyone’s a Person

A little over a month ago I started a new job as a reporter for my local newspaper. It’s been fun so far. It’s work but can be really interesting as well. The thing that has stuck out to me the most is the way people react to me as a reporter.

From my perspective, I am often talking to people who are significantly more important than me. I talk to business owners, mayors, city council members, police officers, humane society volunteers, and people with long histories involving themselves in the community. I am just a reporter. Not to say I see myself as less of a person or anything, that’s not accurate. What I see are people who have accomplished big things in their lives and helped out their communities in big ways.

But from their perspective it often feels like they look at ME as the important one in our conversations. The first time I went to a city council meeting a few members kept mentioning “Well, since the press is here” and “Remember we’ve got the media here tonight.” Which, to me, is so funny. I do understand that the media is important. The way someone is portrayed in a newspaper can make or break a reputation. I empathize with that. What I think gets me is that I become synonymous with “the press” when I go out. I’m not just a person anymore because I’m viewed as more important.

What I’ve learned the most in these first few weeks on the job is that everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is really just a person. Regardless of what government position, council seat, or business they own, they’re still a regular person. It has amazed me that every time I go into an interview with some incredible, interesting, and accomplished person I find out they’re secretly a normal, average human being just like me.

Everyone has hobbies and emotions and genuinely cares about what they’re doing in their lives. Everyone has things they enjoy, everyone has family and friends, everyone is just so human in their own ways.

Obviously, this is something I knew before becoming a reporter. On an intellectual level, it’s not hard to grasp this concept. But it feels different when you see it out in the world. It’s different to sit across a table from someone who’s done more in ten years than I’ve done in my whole life and watch them laugh at stupid jokes, get teary-eyed about family members who’ve passed on, and become animated talking about the things they love.

I am constantly reminded that we’re all just human beings. We’re all just living our lives here on earth, trying to make it all work together. I love that. I didn’t expect to gain new perspective in this way.

Snapshot of My Life #13

While it hasn’t been long since my last snapshot post, I feel like my life has undergone a few major changes so I’m writing one now.

Biggest thing is that I quit my job at the bookstore. There were a lot of factors going into that decision (that I may or may not expound on in a blog post eventually), the biggest being bad management. I worked at that store for over five years, which is a long time to work the same retail job. I met some really amazing people there who I’m still close friends with. I expect to have them in my life for a very long time. I also ended up with another not-so-good friend experience but that’s for another time.

I started a new job at a little café in town. So far it’s been great and I like all my coworkers and my boss! I think it’s a good fit for me and it cut my commute down by more than 30 minutes which is awesome. I got sick the last two weeks of March (thank you to my ex-boss for that one) which is why there was no post last Saturday. I forget how disruptive sickness is to my adult life. It was no fun at all to be sick and also trying to change jobs. I ended up calling off the first few days of my new job, which is not the way I wanted to start out. But my new boss is considerably more understanding so she doesn’t seem to hold that against me.

My debts are still pretty much where they were a few months ago. I’m still working on my car, still dealing with student loans. I had to stop payments on both while I was figuring out some financial issues. Then with the job change, I’m not sure how quickly I’ll get back into making payments. If this job goes the way I hope it will, then I might still be on track to get out of debt by mid-2023.

Something that has been going really well for me is that I’m writing daily. Getting into that habit is probably my biggest goal for 2022. I am very much a feast or famine kind of writer. I get into a mood and can write 10,000 words in one sitting. Then I don’t write for weeks or even months. I’ve never liked that habit in myself so I really wanted to work to change that this year. So far I’ve only missed a few days each month and am very much on track to my goal of writing at least 200 out of 365 days for the year. I’m still behind on blogs but I’m working on it. I’ll get there. I’m just so happy to see how I’ve been able to keep up a daily habit, no matter how small.

Which kind of transitions into the fact that I published a writing prompt book! It was somewhat anticlimactic but still fun. Right now, it is available exclusively on Blurb, where you can purchase a paperback for about $16. I’m not sure how many I’ll sell over time but I’ve pretty proud of it and I’m glad to have my good friend Tiffany Bumgardner who made the cover for me. I’d love to write more prompt books in addition to maybe finally getting a novel out there.

I have a lot of projects in the works right now. Nothing is sneaking around the corner to be published yet but I’m getting there. I think the job change is really going to help me out on that front. I don’t blame my last job for my poor time management, but it took up a lot of my time for sure. I didn’t realize just how long my commute really was until I didn’t have it anymore. I gained back an extra hour-two hours almost everyday.

The last couple months, but especially the last couple weeks, were a bit of a whirlwind. It wasn’t necessarily that a crazy amount of stuff was going on, it was just a few big things happening at once. I’m so glad to be done with the bookstore. It was getting so toxic by the end of my stay there. Very sad to see it go downhill the way it did. But I have a new beginning at a new job. I’m looking on the bright side of things for now. I know God has plans for me and I’m excited to see what will happen next.

Snapshot of My Life #12

I used to do these little snapshots every 4-5 months but I just looked back and my last one was at the beginning of 2021. So it’s been a minute. I like to have these posts to see how I’m doing on a more personal level. It’s nice to have a little summary of every few months to see how I’m progressing on projects and goals.

Let’s see, I’m still working at the bookstore, still working on paying off debt, and still working on writing. I bought a new car (new to me) last September and so far haven’t had any major issues with it! I am getting closer to paying off my student loans but I now have to also pay off my car. So in some ways it feels like I’m right back at the beginning. I know that my loans are lower than they’ve ever been, but adding a car back into the mix wasn’t ideal (is it ever?) and it is discouraging to deal with.

There’s a possibility (Lord willing) that I could pay off my student loans by mid-2023. I’m really hoping to reach that goal. It’ll be such a load off my shoulders to finally have them gone. I’ve been very grateful to have all payments stopped for such a long period of time. It was incredibly helpful to be able to pause them without major consequences when I needed to save for my car. But I need to get back on track with them. Even just a little bit at a time is better than nothing.

Money stuff aside, I’ve been working with my church’s youth group a lot which has been super fun. I have never been the person to volunteer for dealing with teens or children. But I surprised myself by accepting the role of Sunday School teacher and I haven’t regretted it. We don’t have any particular study that we’re going through, which I think has been really great. I liked going through different studies when I was a teen but at the same time, I wished that we could just talk about things and let topics come up naturally as well. I didn’t always feel like I could ask questions if they were “off topic” and if someone did ask something, it was brushed aside to get through the lesson material. Which is fine, it’s important to stick with something so everyone understands it. It’s one way to teach.

I’ve spent a lot more time with friends in the last year. I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity to hang out with people and I hope that this year will open up more opportunities to do the same.

As far as writing goes, I’ve been writing. I was proud of myself for getting ahead on blogs. I am now not ahead at all and so it’s been a bit of a struggle. But writing daily has been a reasonable goal so far and I have several projects in the works for this year.

I guess that’s my life update. A bit of a mixed bag of stuff since it’s been so long since my last one. I’m hoping to get really on track with a lot of things this year and writing more regular life updates is one of them!

I Feel Like I Write This Post Too Often…

I mentioned in my last post (and I’m sure I’ve mentioned in many previous posts) that I am working a lot harder to get writing out into the world. I’d like to have a book published by the end of the year or early next year. This may be a little ambitious but I think I’ve got a handle on it for at least a while. I have about four months to really buckle down and get stuff done.

What I never expect to be a hurdle (but somehow always is) is that I have a hard time with keeping a writing schedule. Part of the issue is always my work schedule. I have a variable work schedule which is nice because it keeps things fresh but it’s also annoying at times because it’s harder to plan things. Specifically, planning to do things at the same time each day, which is really common writing advice: to write at the same time each day. I like my work schedule just fine, but what one thing it means for me is that I need to work on writing in larger chunks of time rather than trying to write a little every day.

Earlier this week I had a whole day off without any major plans. So I took the opportunity to sit down and write a good chunk of my story. I made a very unrealistic goal of writing 10,000 words in this story in the course of one week. That’s not actually that many words, if we’re being real. I write just under a thousand words for this blog each week and that’s not too bad for me. 10,000 words in seven days is roughly 1,500 words per day. But I made the goal on Monday so I was already a day behind. But I was not deterred. If I want to be a serious author then I need to get this done.

I haven’t sat down to write longer than an hour in quite a while. Life has been busy and I tend to let things get in my way. So when I sat down I was a little nervous I wouldn’t be able to do it. My fears were unfounded though because I made it to 1,500 words without any issues. I wrote a few big chunks throughout the day so I still didn’t sit down and write for hours straight but it’s still a win for me. Like I said, I haven’t done it in a while so even a smallish victory really matters.

I didn’t make it to the 10,000 word goal for the week but I did get a lot farther than I thought I would. It made me think about the whole “writing schedule” thing again. In college, it felt like that was pushed on me a lot. It was really important that I have a consistent schedule for writing. But once I got out of school, got a job, had to deal with a lot of other responsibilities, I realized that it’s not that realistic. If I had a regular 9-5 job then maybe I could create a strong schedule, but I don’t have that and I probably won’t for a long time. Which is fine, but it means I need to rework the idea of a “schedule” in my mind.

My new plan is simple: just write. Write more on my days off but still write every day. It’s a plan that makes sense and I think I’ve known for a long time it’s what I needed to do. I hate how much I know what will work for me and I still don’t do the things, you know? I know how I work and what I need to get done and how to make realistic goals for myself, yet I often just don’t do the things necessary to accomplish my tasks. I make excuses or intentionally waste time instead of just getting things done.

The older I get, the more frustrating my own vices have become. I know this is a common problem, it’s always that what you want to do, you can’t get yourself to do, and what you don’t want to do, you’re always doing. Or something like that. The point is that I want to get things in order and write ten thousand words everyday, yet a spend hours on Youtube and choose to not get that done. I annoy myself with my complacency.

So, yet again, here’s another post about me resolving to be better. Will I ever stop writing these posts every 8 months or so? Probably not. But hopefully each of these posts will show me growing closer to my goals anyway. It’s not that I’m doing nothing it’s just that I am not doing enough. But I’ll get there.

A Rambling Ranting Kind of Post

When I first started writing this blog, I expected it would mostly be about writing. I was a fresh graduate from a lovely creative writing program and ready to take the world by storm. Well, kind of, I guess. I dialed myself back a little bit, just enough to keep myself from making my blog JUST about writing things. I have always been grateful to my past self for that. I knew, back then, that it wasn’t smart to trap myself in a single topic. I wanted to write new content every week for probably the rest of my life so to box myself into JUST talking about writing was probably not going to work.

I am a naturally eclectic person. I like a lot of different things and I like talking about a lot of different things. I genuinely love writing but talking about any ONE thing for a long time is mind-numbing for me. I need the variety. So I put this blog out into the world as a personal/author blog. I thought I would still do mostly writing stuff but, clearly, my track record so far has shown that I did not do that. It’s so much more of a personal blog than anything else. Which is still weird to me to think about. Because even though I purposely left myself open to any topic, I still struggle to come up with content sometimes.

Like this week. I had a realization that next weekend I’ll be travelling and the week after I’m gonna be busy all weekend with a friend’s wedding so I need to get ahead of myself or I’ll really be in trouble. But this week has been pretty busy and this is the first time in a while that I’ve sat down Friday evening to get a post together for the next day. Not sure what my problem was this week but I just haven’t been able to sit down and get anything done.

So now I’m sitting here basically just rambling on about nothing in particular. I guess part of me thought it wouldn’t ever be hard to blog. I talk a lot and ramble a lot and rant a lot in my everyday life. How hard is it, really, to do that in writing? Turns out, it’s not easy. My friend Charlotte runs her own blog and she’s also been struggling recently to get content out. I’m the one who convinced her to start her own blog so sometimes I feel a little responsible for her suffering. But she writes good posts regardless so go check her out. She’s a lot more nostalgic than I am. Very poetic and sweet. She’s just as opinionated as I am but just… nicer, I suppose.

I think it didn’t help that I spent all day today hanging out with family instead of writing and then I was trying to get Charlotte and my podcast finished too. Charlotte edits the audio and I put together the video. If you want to listen to us ramble about books and literary stuff, then go check out our Youtube channel. So far, we’ve read The Golem and the Jinni, House of Ash, and The Phantom of the Opera. The one I’m trying to get uploaded now is The Ruin of Kings. It’s a somewhat ranged collection of literature now that I’m looking at it all together. High fantasy, magical realism, YA horror, and a classic thrown in for good measure.  Not bad. Our next one is going to be over The Tourist by Olen Steinhauer. Which is a spy book. (My review is up on Goodreads if you want to check it out.) But I have no idea when that one is going to come out since we’re actually late for Ruin of Kings already.

Anyway, this is rambling and unfocused. Sometimes it’s nice to put out these posts though. I get a certain amount of satisfaction from just being able to go on a tangent about my life in general. It exemplifies the eclectic part of my personality. Occasionally, everyone needs to rant or just talk and it helps a lot to write it down. Most people won’t throw that stream of consciousness out into the world to be read by whoever stops by but I will.

Let me know how your week is going. I’d love to hear your own rambly, ranty kind of writing. It’s always nice to not be alone in needing some time to just talk. Unwind a little bit and have a nice day! 😊

Snapshot of My Life #10

I haven’t done a snapshot post in almost a year. I suppose that’s because of my constant mindset that nothing really changes about my life from month to month. Which, no matter how many times I tell myself that, is never true. But it’s easy to feel like I’m not doing anything, changing anything, or changing myself. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m in that mind-space because 2020 hasn’t exactly been a beacon of joy and productivity. I have made goals and failed to reach them. Of course, I’ve been doing that my whole life so, par for the course?

But this is a snapshot post and I want to share where I am in my life right now. That is, after all, the whole point of these things.

Currently still living with my parents, paying off student loans. I’m not sure if I’ve ever shared how much money I had in loans to start but by the end of this year I should be under $10,000. I’m excited! I’ll be over halfway done and close enough that I might have it paid off by the end of 2021 or mid 2022. A friend asked me what my plan was for after I paid off the debt entirely. The question caught me off guard because I realized I haven’t put any thought into an answer. I really don’t know what I’ll do once I’m out of debt. Save money, probably. But the whole point of living at home with my parents was so I could pay it off so once it’s gone… I’m not sure. I’m working on it though. I know I’ll need to save money and I’ll need more income if I want to move out on my own.

I’m working on that income. I’ve been doing more photography (not sure I’ve mentioned it before!) and learning how to edit pictures. I’m working harder on my writing, trying to get more stories done so I can publish them and (hopefully) end up with at least a little passive income from that. I’m making a lot of progress in a few works and I’m excited (and nervous) to finish up things I’ve been working on for so long. One day, maybe by the beginning of next year, I’ll be announcing a novel or another short story collection.

I’m still working at the bookstore. I still love it and all my coworkers are still awesome. My cat is living her best life (and always yelling at me to pet her) and I just got to spend a weekend with my family. I’ve been staying better organized and have been getting things done. I’m moving, working, doing things. I don’t feel that I’ve stagnated as much as previous snapshots. Even with that feeling that not a lot changes, I do feel more encouraged by my own personal progress now than I have before. Maybe that’s proof I’ve become more consistent or maybe I’ve become more forgiving of my own flaws. Either way, it feels like a pretty good place to be.

I have goals. They seem very far away, just out of reach for now. But I’m moving toward them. I’m getting things done. I’m spending time with friends and making new friends along the way. I know that life is not, and never will be, perfect. But I am trying to keep my eyes on God and trying to find His will and as long as I’m doing that, I’m always taking the right steps.

Organizing My Life (is hard)

I have probably spent way too much time writing on this blog about how I am not a super organized person. I mean more physically than anything else (this time). My desk is a mess, my room is a mess, my painting space is a mess, my closet is a mess, my storage boxes are a mess, my bookshelf is a mess, etc. etc. etc. As I write this, on my desk I have a pile of papers, notepads, and planners (yes, multiple planners). There’s an empty can of cherry Pepsi in the corner, behind my laptop is a package I haven’t dealt with yet, several bottles of paint I last used a couple months ago, and more papers. Then I have another notebook on the other side of me with a pile of sticker books, a to-do list, a mug of pens/general writing utensils, an eggnog candle, and one of my three piggy banks (I sort my change). Among these things are other random objects: an air freshener I haven’t opened, several masks, an empty candy wrapper, a phone charger, hand sanitizer, and just a plastic bag (unsure why that’s here). If this chaos isn’t enough, even my wall is a mess. I’ve got cat pictures, a birthday card, my nephew’s artwork, reminders, my church’s mission statement, and a Calvin and Hobbes comic taped to the wall in front of me so I can see these things while I work.

That’s all just what’s in my room directly around me right now. I don’t even want to talk about what the rest of my living area looks like currently.

Near the beginning of the year, I read Marie Kondo’s book The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up and I genuinely liked it. I really want to start working on getting my living space in order but somehow, didn’t get around to it. I did go through some of my worldly possessions and get rid of things but I have yet to capture the organization that’s promised within the pages of that book. I would like to, but I also am lazy and somewhat busy so I don’t want to put in the work. Which is definitely a personal problem.

I have written in the past about having too much stuff. It still strikes me sometimes, very suddenly, how much stuff I have. Way too much. There’s no real question in my mind that I have too much. I’ve sorted, boxed up, donated, and given away so many things yet there is still always, constantly, so much more. Despite my distaste for all of this junk, I find it incredibly difficult to continue to shrink it down.

Biggest issue for me is that I am 1) not truly a minimalist at heart and 2) I don’t want to get rid of useful things. Hand in hand with number 2 is that I have a lot of things that are only useful to me. For example, when I go through my clothes, I have a lot of old hoodies. Hoodies are expensive and not very useful to me currently. But they’re old enough that they’re thin and scraggly. So my option would be to either throw them out entirely or keep them. They’re in good enough shape for me, but I don’t think anyone else would want them. So they sit in a box under my bed because I don’t wear them anymore and can’t stomach trashing them.

It’s this vicious cycle that I find myself most often caught up in.

I have too many notebooks and notepads but I won’t get rid of them until they’re full but once they’re full then I won’t want to lose any ideas or other things in them. I have skirts and dresses that I hardly wear and are thin and old but if I get rid of them then I won’t have them anymore and might have to buy new ones. I have so many crafting supplies I never touch but I can’t get rid of anything because what if I need it one day? So it goes on and on.

I know I can’t be alone here. Wanting to be organized, wanting to be more minimalist, but then being caught in your own, toxic mindset, not able to get rid of anything. If you’ve managed to get out of this, let me know how you did it, because I’m still trying to figure it out.

Camping or Glamping?

My family has a long and gloried history of camping. We camp with my immediate family, my grandpa, and a few other relatives. It’s like a little family reunion. So every year we pack up ourselves and way too much stuff and head out into the world to get in touch with nature. Well, kind of get in touch with nature because we try our best to not get any closer to nature than absolutely necessary.

. We’ve often joked that we don’t really camp, and instead, glamp. Glamp is a relatively new term that combines glamorous with camping. It’s used to mean that you camp without giving up all the luxuries of living in civilization. Thinking about how we camp, I’m not sure we’re up to glamping standards but we also aren’t exactly roughing it either. We camp at camp grounds with real bathrooms and showers. We have electricity hookups on our camp sites. We bring air mattresses and fans. We almost always have cell service and the only hiking we usually do is walking around a mall to get some shopping done. Is that camping? We live in tents the whole time and cook meals over the fire and all that.

Some people would say that’s clearly glamping. Some people would say that camping is a very small part of the camping-glamping spectrum at the very end where you forage for food and sleep in the dirt under the stars. I’m a little more generous in my definitions because for me, the line is drawn at campers/RVs. Because to me, that’s just bringing your house with you, which defeats the whole purpose (or maybe essence) of camping. But then at the same time, my grandpa brings a camper with him that’s probably older than I am and barely functions as a vehicle let alone much of a travelling house. So I wouldn’t say he’s very good at glamping.

I don’t particularly enjoy camping. I don’t like the constant sand/dirt. I don’t like waiting a thousand years for food to cook. I don’t like getting eaten by bugs. I don’t like hiking. I don’t like having to walk so far to the bathroom. I don’t even like swimming or going to the beach. I remember that as a child, I enjoyed being outside with friends but I don’t remember loving camping. In all my teen and adult years of camping, it’s not my favorite thing. I would probably love to glamp instead of camp. But I’m not going to invest in an RV or expensive camper when I only go once a year. Doesn’t seem worth it. So I will continue to be miserable in my tent, on my air mattress, outside in the world, still able to charge my phone, with a fan going, and have access to running water and real bathrooms… I’m glad we never actually rough it in nature because I can only imagine how much I would complain about then!

While you’re reading this, I’m currently camping. I wrote this in advance because I’m super sneaky about that. I wonder if I’m having a good time and if my sisters and I managed to not kill each other while setting up tents. I guess you’ll have to wait until next week to find out if I lived through this or if I was eaten alive by mosquitoes!

Was I Always Afraid?

So recently I’ve been thinking. A very normal occurrence for me, if we’re being honest. This entire blog is just my thoughts about my life in general. But this recent thought hit me out of nowhere. Or maybe it didn’t. Because I was sitting in church and I had this thought that I have actively chosen not to pursue my faith any deeper than it is now. Which was… a bit terrifying? I mean, I’ve been a Christian for basically my whole life. If there is one thing my entire identity is wrapped up in, it’s that.

I wouldn’t say I’ve had many doubts about the truth of Christianity. I’ve seen God work in my life and in other’s lives. I have always been one to consider logic and try to learn about what I believe. (or maybe I just thought I was doing the latter, but I’ll get to that.) I’ve watched the world. I’ve seen the hopelessness that is the world and I know that we need salvation through Jesus. Christianity is true. I never called that into question.

My journey to this very intense realization about who I am and my entire life’s belief system actually starts somewhere around when I decided to turn my back on feminism. (Which you can read about that here if you would like to.) That post and feminism don’t have anything to do with this post, but I met a specific online friend during that time. I’ll call him Jacob. I met him on facebook in one of the traditional life groups I’d joined and thought he had some good thoughts/points in the comments he would leave. He was level headed, from what I could tell, and I wanted to stay in contact with him when I left the group, even just to see what he was up to.

We didn’t have many private conversations (maybe just one actually). I wouldn’t call him anything like a close personal friend. But what happened was this: his posts and likes started showing up on my timeline. It sounds like a small, insignificant thing, right? Obviously when you’re friends with someone, they’ll show up on your timeline, that’s the whole point. But what Jacob liked and commented on was a lot of philosophy pages. He liked modern philosophers. He was involved in Christian facebook pages and groups. He replied to and discussed his faith with strangers on the internet. I was seeing these things at a time I had decided to pull back and not have online discussions.

But the point was that I started looking at these pages. I started seeing more posts. I started to see Christians giving their faith legs. While it did not feel incredibly impactful at the time, (I knew myself to be a pious and level headed Christian. I knew why I believe the Bible. I knew what I was doing with my own self.) it was planting seeds that I haven’t recognized until now and I started accidentally getting into modern apologetics.

Apologetics: reasoned arguments or writings in justification of something, typically a theory or religious doctrine. (from Google)

Despite knowing very much to the contrary, I think I always thought of philosophy and apologetics and the evidence for Christianity as being pretty settled. I knew there were people running debates and such but I think I had the impression that there was nothing new to be talked about, that there was no ‘deeper’ to necessarily dive into the conversation. And perhaps, that is the impression that truly caught me in a loop of never deepening my own relationship with Christ. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself. My journey continued.

I do not remember if it was specifically Jacob who shared something or if, because of my new likes and groups that the algorithm just handed it to me, but somehow I ended up on a page called Capturing Christianity. For some reason I was drawn to this page more than others. I found his youtube channel and watched a couple videos. Through his videos I found more, similar, channels. Channels about the intellectual side of Christianity. But I stayed with Capturing Christianity and the page’s founder, Cameron Bertuzzi, more than any of the others.

Here’s where I think I started to realize that something was not right with me. Because despite subscribing to his youtube channel, I wasn’t watching his videos. I would see his videos show up in my feed and I would keep scrolling, even when I thought that it sounded interesting. And every time I did that I wondered why I kept doing it. Cameron started a Patreon and I decided to become a Patron. I’ve never become a Patron ever before but something about Cameron made me really believe in his ministry in a way I hadn’t really considered of anyone else. I pledged to support him financially and I hadn’t even watched a majority of his youtube videos and had never interacted with him personally, even through a facebook comment. But now I had financially linked myself to this page, to this ministry.

I started getting emails about having early access to videos and blog posts. I ignored them. Despite literally paying for them, I avoided them. What is wrong with me? I kept thinking. Why am I doing this in the first place?

Then came a private facebook group for Patrons. I joined it because why not? What was I supporting this guy for anyway? So now I was getting notifications from this group and I didn’t ignore all of them. I was making progress that I didn’t understand. I was reading through posts from Cameron and from members and honestly I was… overwhelmed. I felt incredibly out of my depth. I had no idea what some of these people were talking about. I knew they were having good discussions and I had a very intense desire to be part of them but there was absolutely no way was I going to dip my toe into THAT ocean. I’d probably get dragged down by the leviathan if I tried.

So I shambled on. Wondering about why I was doing anything with this group anymore. I tried not to think about it. I tried to pretend there were logical reasons why I avoided videos on apologetics and Christian philosophy. I made up reasons to watch other videos and read other blogs. Until, eventually, I had my realization. I don’t know if it was really what was going on around me in church but I know it was God nudging me. Because that thought hit me out of the blue and it hit me hard. I was avoiding depth. I was avoiding my own faith to some extent.

I was going to church. I was praying. I was (sometimes) reading my Bible. I was acting like a Christian (not perfect but I was trying). I thought I was doing everything right. But something was holding me back and I think it’s been fear this whole time.

Like I said, I’ve never had major doubts about Christianity being true. Or maybe that’s an excuse I used so I wouldn’t have to truly pursue my relationship with the Lord. Because maybe there was a question that I hadn’t thought of before that was going to make me lose my faith? What if an atheist presented a really good argument? What if I didn’t know the answers to hard questions? What if something changed my mind?

I don’t think these thoughts are abnormal. I think we’ve all had those moments when we consider something that’s very important to us from a brand new angle. But when we allow those thoughts to hold us back, we miss out on so much. Which is what I’ve realized. Because clearly, those thoughts are in some way, doubts. I’ve just been happy to ignore them for my whole life while prancing along like nothing has ever touched my grasp on reality.

I’ve decided no more.

I know that I’m missing out on a much deeper faith. I’ve seen a couple of Cameron’s interviews with people who have a rich, real understanding of Jesus Christ. I’ve seen the group posts from normal people like me who have pursued knowledge of the Holy in a meaningful way. They’ve lost nothing and gained so much. I want that too. I don’t want to hold myself back from that.

I didn’t realize how long this journey has been in coming. It wasn’t until I sat down to write this that I started connecting the dots all the way back to the beginning of last year. Every part matters. I didn’t even mention my church being part of it but I firmly believe that God has been using every aspect of my life to get me to this point. If I hadn’t joined those traditional life groups I would’ve never met Jacob. If I hadn’t met him I may never have had those posts and pages crossing my timeline. If those hadn’t been unavoidably put in front of me on my social media then I wouldn’t have found Capturing Christianity. If I hadn’t found Capturing Christianity then I wouldn’t have seen the youtube videos or joined the private group.

I am a supremely stubborn individual who needed all of those things to come together. I needed to be moved, slowly, subtly into this path. It didn’t happen all at once. It was a slow thought process where I had to be forced to examine myself from a different angle, from a new perspective.

I’m tired of running away from this. I know that I don’t need to be afraid of learning more. I know that I don’t have to fear growing in my faith. I know that I don’t need to worry about becoming more like Christ. Because they’re all good things. I know they are. Yet that fear still creeps into my thoughts. Now that I know what it is, it’s all the more present. It’s the world whispering to me that I should be afraid, but my God speaks louder than they do and I cannot keep ignoring His voice. I’ve wasted too much time already.

Am I too Hard on Myself? Probably.

Recently, a friend of mine told me that when she reads my blog she often feels that I am being too hard on myself. I paused in the moment, considering the genuine concern in her voice. I also had to take a moment to consider I sometimes forget how personal my blogs are and also what kind of image I’m projecting through them.

Obviously a blog post will never perfectly encompass who I am as a person. There will always be something left out or something accidentally misrepresented. I try very hard to be balanced in my posts and to represent myself as realistically as I possibly can. Sometimes, that means being a little harsh, whether to myself or to others. I’m a somewhat harsh person. I call things like they are. I can be very compassionate but I don’t sugarcoat many of my beliefs or opinions. I want to be genuine and real with my audience here.

I get the idea from my friend that sometimes that harshness, toward myself, lacks the compassion that I extend to others. The biggest reason for this, I think, is that I am inside my own head. With others, I only know what they tell me and what they show me through their actions. I am not privy to their inmost thoughts and feelings so I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I don’t always give myself that same benefit because I know my own thoughts and emotions. I know when I’m making stupid excuses or being lazy about getting things done. I am fully aware of many of my own shortcomings and I am frustrated when I allow them to rule me and my life.

I take my life pretty seriously and what I do with it just as seriously. It’s why I make new year resolutions and why I’ve been trying to build good habits this year. It’s why I want to feel productive as much as possible. It’s why I want to work on myself. It’s why, yeah, I can be a little mean to myself.

Well, don’t get me wrong, I’m not exactly mean to myself. I’m not doling out “punishments” or getting into ruts of negativity. I get frustrated, sure. I can beat myself up a little internally, sure. But I also know it’s better not to dwell on mistakes. I’ll never move forward if I’m stuck on making myself miserable over not doing enough in my life or making mistakes. I only have one life to live. God put me here for a reason and I will not waste the time given to me messing around. I have a purpose here. When I’m not fulfilling that purpose, when I’m, I guess failing at life, I can feel pretty useless. I am not useless though. Not ever. I know my own worth and I don’t forget it, which just rolls into high expectations for my life.

But I can appear a bit hard on myself. I expect a lot from me. I think I strike a decent enough balance for the most part, though, between high expectations and realism. I know I won’t ever be perfect but I do know I can keep working on myself and be the very best me possible.