Get Used to Disappointment

Inigo: “Who are you?”

Masked man: “No one of consequence.”

Inigo: “I must know!”

Masked man: “Get used to disappointment.”

– The Princess Bride

I spend a lot of time at my friend’s house and she has three kids (ages around 5, 10, and 1). Her kids are great and I love them. I don’t have a lot of others kids in my life right now and it’s always so interesting to me to watch them do things that I remember doing. Not the big things like family trips or going to zoo or whatever, but all the little things. The white lies I also tried on my parents. The sneaky little ways they try to get out of chores. How they learn the same weird facts I learned with the same amount of awe and wonder. It’s really fun to see them go through the same motions in their own ways.

One thing that I remember as a kid is wanting to know everything. It’s a trait that I see in my friend’s kids quite often. They want to listen in on conversations, ask “who are you talking about?” every time they walk in the room, and learn all the gritty details of any drama that might be happening. Beyond just regular life, they also crave experience and knowledge that may not be good for them. They want to click the suspicious link, they want to read the book way outside their age level, and they want to watch the movies that might scar them for life. How will they know it’s bad if they don’t try it out?

This is something we all have to either eventually grow out of or we risk becoming the busy-body “friend” that no one can talk to who learned way too much way too young. You have to be okay with not knowing things in life. First off you can’t know everything anyway, so jot that down right away. Secondly, not everything is for you. Thirdly, not all knowledge is good for you. As they say, ignorance is bliss. I’m not advocating for just ignorance in general though.

But there are things that we learn to avoid, usually due to bad experiences. I learned to avoid horror movies because they were too much for me. I had nightmares and spent a lot of time thinking about them, even if I had only seen a commercial. (I’m not as sensitive to them anymore but I tend to avoid them anyway.) Something that I found I had to combat due to this is my natural curiosity. When I would happen to catch part of a trailer or part of a horror movie, I would become curious. That’s what entertainment does, it asks a question that you want answered. So you watch the show/movie or read the book. When I had the standard “I wonder how it ends…” pop into my head I had to learn to actively tell myself, “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.” It became my internal motto whenever I was confronted with something I knew I didn’t need to know. Horror movies? Don’t need to know. Erotic romance? Don’t need to know. Certain true crime documentaries? Don’t need to know.

I have my reasons for all of these things. Overall, I just don’t want to put those things in my head. I know that I will dwell on them too much and it will not be healthy for me. As an adult, I’ve spent a lot of years figuring out what is good for me and what isn’t. I know there are things I don’t want in my thoughts. I’m sure everyone reading this has, at some point, seen or heard something they wish they hadn’t.

Children don’t have the years of experience to understand that they don’t need nor really want, to know it all. They can’t comprehend that learning some things will make their lives worse. They really just want to know. It’s a very natural thing to want. There are people who never really grow out of this and end up spending way too much time consuming media that is bad for them.

What media you watch/read/listen to is important to consider and it’s equally important to consider your own limits. I have spent a lot of time considering my own limits and also considering how I’m the only one who can make those limits. If I can’t handle horror then it’s my responsibility to deal with that. It’s my job to turn it off, leave the room, etc. Sometimes, I’m wrong. I’ve avoided movies and books in the past because I believed they had content I didn’t want to deal with. Then I would read an article, talk to a friend, or see a review about it and end up realizing I was wrong. Sometimes I’d go ahead and watch/read it after that and find it was perfectly fine. Other times I’d find out that while it was okay for me now, it wouldn’t have been fine for me when I first heard of it.

And that’s what so many people get caught up on, especially kids and teens. They fear being wrong and missing out on something that would’ve been fine. Which is, I think, the more important part of this to wrangle with. It’s not just choosing to not know something that could be harmful, it’s being open and aware that you will miss out on things. Whether that’s missing out on spending time with friends who want to do something you know isn’t for you, or just missing out on sharing childhood memories of different cultural movies/books with your peers.

It took a while but I have become much better at choosing to not know things. A popular erotic romance book? I don’t need to know. Family drama of my friends? It’s not my business. Does that guy survive this horror movie? It doesn’t matter.

My life goes on without this information and in many ways it is better without it. Like I said, I’m not advocating ignorance in general. But I think we all need to be aware and careful of what media we consume. Being okay with not knowing things is an important part of that.

13 Reasons Why: Is Everyone to Blame?

I mentioned briefly last week that I was going to talk about the book 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher. But just to reiterate, I have not seen the wildly popular Netflix show and this will have pretty much nothing to do with the show. I read the book in high school, loved it, and reread it last week on my day off in preparation for writing about it. I did read a list someone made about the differences between the book and show but beyond that, I know little about the show so I can’t comment on it or compare it to the book.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am not particularly close to the topic of suicide. I know a few people who have told me much later that they had considered suicide at one point in their life but beyond that, I have not been closely, personally, directly affected by a loved on committing suicide or by any thoughts myself. I’ve experienced the tragedy through friends of friends and others. It is absolutely heartbreaking. Regardless that I haven’t experienced it directly, I am still horrified and saddened when I hear about it.

THERE MAY BE BOOK SPOILERS IN THIS ANALYSIS BUT NOTHING TOO BOOK-SHATTERING IN MY OPINION SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. There may be show spoilers too but we have thoroughly established that I wouldn’t know about those.

So the main story in the book is that there is a high-schooler named Clay Jensen who has received a box of cassette tapes. Those tapes have a message recorded on them by Hannah Baker, a high school student who recently committed suicide. She tells her story by linking her decision to commit suicide to thirteen people, thus we have thirteen “reasons”. Since Clay got the tapes, he has to be on them somewhere.

Obviously, the book deals with suicide. More specifically, it deals with the aftermath of suicide. Hannah dies before the book begins then Clay learns of the many reasons/people who Hannah ‘blames’ for her reaching the end of her life. However, she doesn’t fully play it off as other’s responsibilities that she chose to end her own life, “it all comes back to–it all ends with–me” (page 253).

She acknowledges that, in the end, she is making this choice. During her conversation with the school counselor she says toward the end, “I got what I came for” (278). She wasn’t going in looking to change her mind. She went only for her self-fulfilling prophecy. Arguably, the counselor could have done better in the conversation but at the same time, she wasn’t looking for help anymore so equally arguably he did all in his power.

There’s a recurring theme throughout the novel that can essentially be summed up as collective responsibility. On a personal level, Clay feels responsible for Hannah’s death because he got the tapes and because he liked Hannah but never worked up the courage to really make anything of a relationship with her. He repeats in different ways, “I would’ve answered any question, Hannah. But you never asked” (78). While Clay didn’t reach out too much to Hannah, Hannah also never really reached out to Clay.

The feelings of betrayal go both ways. Although Hannah doesn’t blame Clay, she obviously feels somehow betrayed by him since he is still on the tapes so he did play some role. Yet Clay also feels betrayed by Hannah because she never came to him but had unspoken feelings for him. So they both failed the other. Asher doesn’t play that as blame specifically. It’s a subtle way to show a responsibility we have for each other.

At one point, Clay talks about seeing one specific boy act inappropriately with some of the girls from his school. The girls are obviously uncomfortable and it’s a recurring problem that Clay has seen many times and he’s had opportunity to intervene, “But instead, every time, I pretend not to notice. What could I do anyway?” (50). Clay is now seeing a possible result of ignoring this kind of behavior since Hannah was also subjected to the actions of this boy. He’s not responsible for the actions of an individual but he’s responsible as part of the collective. It wasn’t just him ignoring the behavior, it was everyone else around them ignoring it too. While Clay fails to intervene, the collective fails too. Clay even says, “We’re all guilty of something” (108).

But Asher shows that not everyone feels guilty. When Clay comes across Marcus on the street, Marcus says, “I don’t belong on those tapes. Hannah just wanted an excuse to kill herself” (110). So at least one person is taking zero personal responsibility for Hannah’s death. That doesn’t change the way Clay feels at all though and by the end, he grows as a person. He chooses to reach out to a girl he’s noticed before. The book ends as he literally says her name in the hall to get her attention.

Clay has become sensitive to collective responsibility. He clearly acknowledges that Hannah made the decision to end her life, thus it is not his personal responsibility but hers. Yet he feels the collective guilt that comes from tragedy.

What have we done that a person feels this is the only way out?

How can humanity be like this?

Why didn’t anyone see the signs?

These are the questions people ask when a tragedy occurs and these questions put the responsibility on the collective rather than the individual. Yet no one has to take personal responsibility for the tragedy except the one individual who directly caused it.

Talking about collective responsibility can be difficult because in the end, we are each responsible for our individual choices no matter how bad or good those choices are and regardless of circumstances. Yet, at the same time, we make choices every day that directly affect other people in sometimes very intimate ways. So where do I become responsible for your actions?

That’s less of a direct question and more of a let’s-start-a-discussion-on-that kind of question because it’s a grey area in my opinion.

13 Reasons Why can be seen as that question in book form. Asher shows both sides of the conundrum: Hannah’s personal responsibility for her own life while and also the collective responsibility of the 13 people on the tapes. It’s very nuanced and I don’t see Asher drawing a hard line where one person stops being responsible and the other starts. Instead, he creates a compelling narrative that weaves between the lines of one person’s troubled relationships with individuals who are part of a larger collective.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Snapshot of My Life #2

My first post on my blog was a “Life Update” type. That was six months ago which feels crazy. I’ve been maintaining this blog for half a year now! I don’t know if I find that intimidating or encouraging! I’ve been getting more visitors on here from more places around the world which is really cool!

So what have I done in six months? I’m going to update you on what I mentioned in my last Snapshot then move on from there.

Well, I finished the front porch for my dad. It took about 4 weeks longer than I had expected it to and dad had to help me with some of it but it’s done and it looks good. I don’t think I’ll be taking on any more large household projects for a while. I’m going to be living at my parents’ house for a while longer. I had a writing job opportunity that I really wanted to take but when I sat down to figure out what I could afford, I couldn’t pay off my loans and also survive on the pay. So I applied in the area and got a job at a bookstore in the mall half an hour from my house. I am also officially hired at one of the craft stores in the same area though I haven’t started there yet.

The bookstore is pretty good. It’s only 18 hours a week but I’m pretty happy with the work. It’s not writing but with my loan payments starting soon, I need something that’s going to pay that bill. It’s slow right now but business should pick up soon with the holidays rushing closer and closer. I like being around books and it’s encouraged me to get back into reading. It’s even helped my writing because I tend to work on stories during my breaks. I haven’t decided whether I like dealing with customers all the time but my coworkers are great.

If you’ve been following my blog for the last couple months then you know that I finished and published my ebook! I can also finally check some of my stats so I can see I’ve made a few dollars on it already! The stats aren’t up to date (they are only available quarterly) but it’s encouraging to see that I’ve made something off my writing already!

I’m definitely still feeling a bit stagnant. I’m still reminding myself that I’m in a decent place right now. I’m being responsible, trying to pay off as much of my debt as possible before moving out. Although I wish I had decided to do this as soon as I graduated (I could have been working for the last few months instead of waiting so long to find work in the area), I can’t change the past so I’ll be focusing on the future for now. It feels… anticlimactic to have made these decisions five months after graduating. I did things in the last six months, but I didn’t know what I was going to be doing then. I didn’t have a concrete plan beyond writing. Which was an okay plan but I hadn’t really considered how crippling my loans are to my plans of moving out on my own.

Once I get my loans paid down a good amount and hopefully have some savings, I can think about moving out. Oh, also I’ll need to get a car at some point. *sigh*

So I guess I’m moving along, slowly but surely. I’m building a readership, selling a few ebooks here and there, working at a bookstore, helping out around the house some, and still downsizing my room/possessions. There’s not really a lot else to say but that. I feel like it’s all just day to day life now. Like, “What’s new?” Literally nothing. Still doing all the same stuff.

But I’m not discouraged by this. I’m working on my writing, going to start paying off my loans soon, reading a couple new books, participating in my church, and overall just doing well. I don’t know all that the future holds for me right now and though I had wanted to be in a different place by now, I feel like this is where God wants me to be and that’s enough.

Like It or Not, You Are Your Pet’s Parent

I do not call myself my cat’s ‘mom’ or ‘furmom’ as some these days identify. I don’t consider my pet a person or anything like that. I did not birth this animal. I did not adopt through a process that would require me to make sure my entire life and home will be tailored specifically to the care of this animal (I don’t know the entire adoption process for children but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s a lot more intensive than getting a cat).

But I am still my cat’s parent.

“What?” You might ask. “How can you say you’re not a pet parent yet say you are a pet parent?”

What does a parent do for their child? They love, feed, teach, admonish, and encourage. They make sure they’re eating properly, they take them to the doctor when they’re sick, they correct negative behavior, and when the child is young or nonverbal, they have to be in tune with every aspect of the child’s life to keep them healthy. Parents have to use tough love sometimes in order to keep their child safe, they have to get good care for the kid when they can’t take care of them for a time. There’s a lot more but I’ll stop there.

What does a pet owner do for their pet? They love, feed, teach, correct, and encourage. They make sure they’re eating properly, they take them to the vet when they’re sick, they have to use tough love sometimes in order to keep them safe. They have to find good care when they can’t take care of them for a time. They have to be in tune with every aspect of the pet’s life to keep them healthy.

See some similarities? The difference being that most children grow up and are able to tell parents what’s going on. My cat can’t tell me how her day was like a teenager can. An animal is voiceless. They cannot tell you where they are hurt, they cannot tell you why they’re acting out, they can’t point out their abuser, they can’t talk out their stress, etc. The only one who can speak for your pet is you. You have to know your pet. You have to understand what their actions mean. You have to tell the vet what’s been going on in their life. You have to make judgments based on what is best for them without knowing if they like those choices or not.

There’s a cheesy quote out there about how your pet may be only one part of your world but you are your pet’s entire world. It’s usually painted over a picture of an adorable puppy or kitten to tug at your heart strings. Despite the emotional ploy to get you to share/like, this quote is true. My cat knows nothing beyond me and my family. She doesn’t have connections outside this house. She can’t choose to leave. She didn’t come here because she wanted to. This is the only world she knows. How can I willingly choose to hurt or abandon her? She can’t call the police on me, she can’t talk to friends about the care she’s receiving. And why would she? I feed her and love her and she seems happy with that. I know she’s happy because I pay attention to her. I spend time with her. Animals have relationships with their owners just as people have relationships with each other.

Committing to care for the life another living creature is a big thing. It’s not something that you should ever choose on a whim. A cat is a 12 to 18 year commitment and a dog is similar depending on the breed. That is literally like having a child. If you’re not ready to take care of an animal for the rest of its life, don’t get one.

If I am no longer able to care for my cat then it is my responsibility to make sure she is still cared for. If I knew I wouldn’t be able to take care of her for more than the next few months and I spent that time deliberating over whether or not to take her to a shelter, she wouldn’t know. I can prepare myself for that day. I can make myself feel better about the decision. I can say goodbye. She can’t. I am her whole world and when I walk into that shelter all she knows is that it’s a new, loud, scary place with people she doesn’t know and strange animal smells everywhere. She would look to me for security and safety in this new place but suddenly I’m not there. (I understand that circumstances change but at the same time I feel like it can be an excuse to drop animals off at shelters. Find a new home yourself, where you can keep in touch with the new owners to make sure the animal is well cared for.)

Do you remember when you were six and lost sight of your parent in the grocery store? Can you recall that moment of total panic while a million horrible scenarios ran through your mind? Multiply that by ten and perhaps you will feel what an animal feels when suddenly the person who was supposed to be there, the ONLY person they have known for most of their life, leaves them with no explanation.

I am not against people finding new homes for pets they can absolutely no longer care for. But I think that people should be more responsible in the first place. An animal is a commitment, not a fling.  It’s a long term relationship. It’s not having a child, but it’s like having a child. You are responsible for that animal. Whether you like it or not, you are that pet’s parent, their only voice in this world. Act like it.