Get Used to Disappointment

Inigo: “Who are you?”

Masked man: “No one of consequence.”

Inigo: “I must know!”

Masked man: “Get used to disappointment.”

– The Princess Bride

I spend a lot of time at my friend’s house and she has three kids (ages around 5, 10, and 1). Her kids are great and I love them. I don’t have a lot of others kids in my life right now and it’s always so interesting to me to watch them do things that I remember doing. Not the big things like family trips or going to zoo or whatever, but all the little things. The white lies I also tried on my parents. The sneaky little ways they try to get out of chores. How they learn the same weird facts I learned with the same amount of awe and wonder. It’s really fun to see them go through the same motions in their own ways.

One thing that I remember as a kid is wanting to know everything. It’s a trait that I see in my friend’s kids quite often. They want to listen in on conversations, ask “who are you talking about?” every time they walk in the room, and learn all the gritty details of any drama that might be happening. Beyond just regular life, they also crave experience and knowledge that may not be good for them. They want to click the suspicious link, they want to read the book way outside their age level, and they want to watch the movies that might scar them for life. How will they know it’s bad if they don’t try it out?

This is something we all have to either eventually grow out of or we risk becoming the busy-body “friend” that no one can talk to who learned way too much way too young. You have to be okay with not knowing things in life. First off you can’t know everything anyway, so jot that down right away. Secondly, not everything is for you. Thirdly, not all knowledge is good for you. As they say, ignorance is bliss. I’m not advocating for just ignorance in general though.

But there are things that we learn to avoid, usually due to bad experiences. I learned to avoid horror movies because they were too much for me. I had nightmares and spent a lot of time thinking about them, even if I had only seen a commercial. (I’m not as sensitive to them anymore but I tend to avoid them anyway.) Something that I found I had to combat due to this is my natural curiosity. When I would happen to catch part of a trailer or part of a horror movie, I would become curious. That’s what entertainment does, it asks a question that you want answered. So you watch the show/movie or read the book. When I had the standard “I wonder how it ends…” pop into my head I had to learn to actively tell myself, “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.” It became my internal motto whenever I was confronted with something I knew I didn’t need to know. Horror movies? Don’t need to know. Erotic romance? Don’t need to know. Certain true crime documentaries? Don’t need to know.

I have my reasons for all of these things. Overall, I just don’t want to put those things in my head. I know that I will dwell on them too much and it will not be healthy for me. As an adult, I’ve spent a lot of years figuring out what is good for me and what isn’t. I know there are things I don’t want in my thoughts. I’m sure everyone reading this has, at some point, seen or heard something they wish they hadn’t.

Children don’t have the years of experience to understand that they don’t need nor really want, to know it all. They can’t comprehend that learning some things will make their lives worse. They really just want to know. It’s a very natural thing to want. There are people who never really grow out of this and end up spending way too much time consuming media that is bad for them.

What media you watch/read/listen to is important to consider and it’s equally important to consider your own limits. I have spent a lot of time considering my own limits and also considering how I’m the only one who can make those limits. If I can’t handle horror then it’s my responsibility to deal with that. It’s my job to turn it off, leave the room, etc. Sometimes, I’m wrong. I’ve avoided movies and books in the past because I believed they had content I didn’t want to deal with. Then I would read an article, talk to a friend, or see a review about it and end up realizing I was wrong. Sometimes I’d go ahead and watch/read it after that and find it was perfectly fine. Other times I’d find out that while it was okay for me now, it wouldn’t have been fine for me when I first heard of it.

And that’s what so many people get caught up on, especially kids and teens. They fear being wrong and missing out on something that would’ve been fine. Which is, I think, the more important part of this to wrangle with. It’s not just choosing to not know something that could be harmful, it’s being open and aware that you will miss out on things. Whether that’s missing out on spending time with friends who want to do something you know isn’t for you, or just missing out on sharing childhood memories of different cultural movies/books with your peers.

It took a while but I have become much better at choosing to not know things. A popular erotic romance book? I don’t need to know. Family drama of my friends? It’s not my business. Does that guy survive this horror movie? It doesn’t matter.

My life goes on without this information and in many ways it is better without it. Like I said, I’m not advocating ignorance in general. But I think we all need to be aware and careful of what media we consume. Being okay with not knowing things is an important part of that.

Did I Do Everything I Wanted? (2021 Resolutions)

I made resolutions for 2021 (just like I do for every other year) and I think it went… okay… ish… okayish. Which isn’t the worst. So this is my original list that I posted last year:

1. Memorize a book of the Bible (probably Romans but idk)
2. Grow my blog
3. Finish a novel
4. Paint more
5. Save money
6. Grow my church’s facebook page
7. Do more photography
8. Write regularly
9. Grow my author page on Facebook
10. Do a monthly podcast with Charlotte (of charlattessippablestories)
11. Read at least 12 books

It’s a decent list. I wrote it down and put it up on my wall by my desk so I’d keep it at the front of my mind all year. I put checkmarks on it when I accomplished parts of it so it was cool to see my actual progress as I went. When I handed this list to the internet, I mentioned it is vague. It doesn’t have many SMART goals on it. I did put some numbers on my hand written list (for example I put “get 1200 views for 2021” after the vague “Grow my blog”) but it doesn’t seem like it helped me that much. So here are the things I accomplished from this list:

Grow my blog (I said I wanted 1200 views and I blew that out of the water for the year!! Fully accomplished although next year I’d like to focus on gaining followers since I only have 12 new followers for 2021)

Painted more (no specifics added, but I put 4 check marks so I did it)

Saved money (I had $25 a month as a goal and I know I saved more than that each month, but also I bought a car so that wiped out what I had)

Started and maintained a podcast on Youtube (we managed to release ten podcasts and since we had planned ahead knowing we’d be skipping January and probably December, it worked out just fine and I consider this a success. We don’t plan on focusing on getting subscribers as of right now, we’re just having fun doing it)

Read at least 12 books (my Goodreads goal was 24 and my personal goal was 30 I hit my Goodreads goal in November and didn’t reach my personal goal)

Did more photography (No specifics for this one but I have 6 checkmarks next to it so I think I did alright)

I did not finish a novel, grow my church’s facebook page (I think on a technicality I could say I did because it gained a few likes but the goal was definitely more), grow my author page, or memorize a book of the Bible, or write regularly (again, on a technicality I could probably count this one since I kept up on this blog and started a couple big projects but I’m not going to do that because I think I could’ve done a lot more).

Overall, I don’t think it was a bad year. When I started writing this post I thought it would be much worse. But it’s not bad at all. I accomplished just over half the list and if I was nicer to myself I could put a few more items in the accomplished category.

My biggest win was photography and blog views. I feel like those were the ones that went wildly beyond expectations and are also somewhat linked. Because I took more pictures, I started posting them on here from time to time. I got way more views on my photography posts than my other posts. So hitting my photography goal is what enabled me to hit my blog goal. I like that a lot. It reminds me that even when my goals seem completely unrelated, they are still linked and can help me build good habits and be stepping stones for other goals.

This year, as every year previous, has taught me more about myself and what obstacles get in my way when I try to accomplish things. This year it’s mostly been my job. I have a variable schedule and one of my managers has had a lot of health issues so my work has been all over the place. It’s hard to find time to get things done when I never know for sure what time I’ll have. But there have been other obstacles as well and while work is sort of out of my hands, other things are not. Sometimes I’m simply tired. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’ve gotten enough time to myself, so (ironically) I steal that time from my future self, using it up so that later I panic. I’m starting to be better about writing my blog posts at a decent pace so I’m not blindsided by the weekend sometimes.

I often feel that my growth is too slow. And in so many ways, it absolutely is. I know that I self-sabotage. I know that I make bad decisions. I know I often lack time-management when I need it the most. I know that I fear success almost as much as I fear failure. But I also know that I am making progress. I look back at this blog and see my resolutions of years past and see how much I’ve changed over that time. I can see that I’ve learned a lot about self-control and I can see that the thing I most neglect is my spiritual health.

Will 2022 finally be my year? I mean, probably not. But I am moving forward and moving on and going ahead with my life. I have a strange roadmap of the last six years that, if I can continue to learn from, will help me navigate the future. It’s all in God’s hands and I can’t wait to see what’s next.

It’s Perfect Because I Didn’t Have to Do It

There are a lot of times in my life I am unhappy with someone else’s work. It looks rushed or isn’t up to my own standards or I just don’t like it, whatever the reason. When that happens, I have two choices: I can redo it myself or I can let it go. More often than not, I try to let it go. It’s a lesson that’s taken a long time for me to figure out. I remember my dad asking me to do something and when it was done he would look at it and kind of sigh and I knew he wasn’t completely happy with it. As a child, that hurt. I wanted to do a good job for my dad but of course, as a child, I didn’t exactly have the experience and skill level to do things up to his standards. I would ask if it was okay and he would put an arm around my shoulders and say “It’s perfect because I didn’t have to do it.” It wasn’t like his go-to phrase but I remember him saying it at least a few times.

When I was a kid, I don’t know if I fully got what he meant but I did understand it wasn’t an insult or major negative. I understood that he didn’t have time to do everything. So when he would ask me to do something, he had to be happy with however I did it because he didn’t have the time to do it himself. So he would look at it, see I did my best, and release the responsibility for it. I was the one in charge of the project, I did what was within my own abilities, and that was the end of it. I think he had to work on this over the years too. Him letting it go is not what I remember very early on so my older siblings probably have a different experience with doing projects for/with dad. I think by the time your fourth child is old enough to help with household tasks, you’ve (hopefully) learned a lot about how children do not have the skills of adults.

I used to get a lot more uptight about letting other people do things. I wanted things done right (ie my way) and was unhappy when it wasn’t perfect. Over time, I realized that 1) I do not have the time to do everything my way and 2) I do not have the skills to do everything the way I want. So I had to work my way up to letting other people take the wheel and not complain about it later. If I ask someone to do something for me, when it’s done, I need to let it be done. As long as the task is finished, it’s finished. If it works, then it works. I don’t need to make sure the whole process was exactly what I would have done.

I feel like I run into this thing a lot where people want to delegate responsibility but then try to micro-manage every step. Then they complain at the end about the way you did something because they would’ve done it better. If you feel that strongly about it, do it yourself. Otherwise, you need to release responsibility and not complain about it. If you don’t have the time to run all seven Sunday school classes, then find someone else to do a few and don’t complain that you didn’t like the craft they picked to go with the lesson on Moses. It’s not the craft you would have picked but you didn’t have to pick it, you didn’t have to teach the lesson, and you didn’t have time for it anyway. It was the perfect craft because you didn’t have to do it. Much like my father delegating household tasks, whatever the outcome, it was better than not getting it done at all.

Like I said, I’ve been working on this in myself for a while. It’s not something that comes naturally. I’m definitely not always a perfectionist but I do try to do things efficiently and when I see people not working as efficiently as they could, it bothers me. It makes me want to do it for them. But that’s not what always needs to be done. Usually, I just need to sit back and give them their space, let them do it however they think is best. Whatever works, however it works, it’s gonna be perfect, because I didn’t have to do it.

I Keep Forgetting About the Pandemic

Not that I don’t know what I’m living through. I’m doing my part to be socially distant and I’m making sure to wash my hands and be careful and responsible. What I mean is that… well, I will explain with a before and after look at myself.

I was not really aware of the novel coronavirus until just before the social distancing guidelines were being put into effect. It wasn’t very real to me, either, until my state started telling businesses to close. Even then, I was not overly concerned as I went about going to work and living my life. I was using more hand sanitizer, washing my hands a lot, and wiping down surfaces with disinfectant. I felt like that was enough. Then there was talk of shutting down all “non-essential” businesses. That’s when I started getting nervous. I work at a mall, which is probably the epitome of non-essential. So I dutifully and VERY anxiously watched the press conferences to see if my noble and benevolent government officials would determine my livelihood was “essential” or not. The first day I watched, the mall stayed open. Relief. Then immediate anxiety again as I knew that it was only a matter of time.

I was a wreck. I never thought I would be that nervous about these kinds of things but I was. My heart was beating fast and adrenaline pumped through me. I just wanted to know if I had a job. I had to wait for the answer and it was frustrating. It was all I could talk about and all I could think about. Shutdowns and stay at home orders and everything in between. It consumed me.

A few days later, the mall shut down and we got official stay at home orders for my state. I felt relief and frustration. I stopped following the news for a while. I made lists of things to do and tried to decide how to spend my two weeks. We had a date, April 6th that would bring the end. Maybe. It didn’t, obviously. I listened to the press conference on the 3rd and, sure enough, the stay at home orders for my state were extended to the end of the month. I remember being nervous as I listened to that announcement. I remember feeling a little anxious. Not nearly as nervous as I had been two weeks before.

Now I don’t feel any kind of anxiety or nervousness around this whole pandemic. I actually keep forgetting about it. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel sad for those dealing with the virus. I’m upset that people are dying. I’m being careful and following the rules. But I don’t think about it all the time. The difference between me at the start of this and how I am now is like night and day. Before, it was a day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes minute by minute anxiety about what would happen next. Now I barely think about it. To be honest, I’m frustrated with myself for giving into my anxiety before.

If I had family members in healthcare, or if I wasn’t a leech in my parents’ house and had to actually worry about my lack of income coming crashing down upon me, I’m sure I’d have a different perspective. I might not have been able to leave the anxious state I was in before. I have a lot of sympathy for those who are in less than ideal situations. I don’t write this post to be callous. Part of me thinks I may be under-reacting. But a bigger part of me reminds myself that regardless of what happens to me, or anyone, God is still God. He’s still on the throne.

I could worry. I could be really upset about everything going on. And that would accomplish… what? My heart-rate would be higher all the time. I’d probably stress out my family more. I wouldn’t be writing anything. I can’t see any upside to constant worry or giving into the paranoia. So for now, I’ll do my best. I’ll be responsible, wash my hands, keep my distance, and stay calm. Because in the end, God has it all together even when the world is falling apart.

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?”

Matthew 6:25-26

13 Reasons Why: Is Everyone to Blame?

I mentioned briefly last week that I was going to talk about the book 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher. But just to reiterate, I have not seen the wildly popular Netflix show and this will have pretty much nothing to do with the show. I read the book in high school, loved it, and reread it last week on my day off in preparation for writing about it. I did read a list someone made about the differences between the book and show but beyond that, I know little about the show so I can’t comment on it or compare it to the book.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am not particularly close to the topic of suicide. I know a few people who have told me much later that they had considered suicide at one point in their life but beyond that, I have not been closely, personally, directly affected by a loved on committing suicide or by any thoughts myself. I’ve experienced the tragedy through friends of friends and others. It is absolutely heartbreaking. Regardless that I haven’t experienced it directly, I am still horrified and saddened when I hear about it.

THERE MAY BE BOOK SPOILERS IN THIS ANALYSIS BUT NOTHING TOO BOOK-SHATTERING IN MY OPINION SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. There may be show spoilers too but we have thoroughly established that I wouldn’t know about those.

So the main story in the book is that there is a high-schooler named Clay Jensen who has received a box of cassette tapes. Those tapes have a message recorded on them by Hannah Baker, a high school student who recently committed suicide. She tells her story by linking her decision to commit suicide to thirteen people, thus we have thirteen “reasons”. Since Clay got the tapes, he has to be on them somewhere.

Obviously, the book deals with suicide. More specifically, it deals with the aftermath of suicide. Hannah dies before the book begins then Clay learns of the many reasons/people who Hannah ‘blames’ for her reaching the end of her life. However, she doesn’t fully play it off as other’s responsibilities that she chose to end her own life, “it all comes back to–it all ends with–me” (page 253).

She acknowledges that, in the end, she is making this choice. During her conversation with the school counselor she says toward the end, “I got what I came for” (278). She wasn’t going in looking to change her mind. She went only for her self-fulfilling prophecy. Arguably, the counselor could have done better in the conversation but at the same time, she wasn’t looking for help anymore so equally arguably he did all in his power.

There’s a recurring theme throughout the novel that can essentially be summed up as collective responsibility. On a personal level, Clay feels responsible for Hannah’s death because he got the tapes and because he liked Hannah but never worked up the courage to really make anything of a relationship with her. He repeats in different ways, “I would’ve answered any question, Hannah. But you never asked” (78). While Clay didn’t reach out too much to Hannah, Hannah also never really reached out to Clay.

The feelings of betrayal go both ways. Although Hannah doesn’t blame Clay, she obviously feels somehow betrayed by him since he is still on the tapes so he did play some role. Yet Clay also feels betrayed by Hannah because she never came to him but had unspoken feelings for him. So they both failed the other. Asher doesn’t play that as blame specifically. It’s a subtle way to show a responsibility we have for each other.

At one point, Clay talks about seeing one specific boy act inappropriately with some of the girls from his school. The girls are obviously uncomfortable and it’s a recurring problem that Clay has seen many times and he’s had opportunity to intervene, “But instead, every time, I pretend not to notice. What could I do anyway?” (50). Clay is now seeing a possible result of ignoring this kind of behavior since Hannah was also subjected to the actions of this boy. He’s not responsible for the actions of an individual but he’s responsible as part of the collective. It wasn’t just him ignoring the behavior, it was everyone else around them ignoring it too. While Clay fails to intervene, the collective fails too. Clay even says, “We’re all guilty of something” (108).

But Asher shows that not everyone feels guilty. When Clay comes across Marcus on the street, Marcus says, “I don’t belong on those tapes. Hannah just wanted an excuse to kill herself” (110). So at least one person is taking zero personal responsibility for Hannah’s death. That doesn’t change the way Clay feels at all though and by the end, he grows as a person. He chooses to reach out to a girl he’s noticed before. The book ends as he literally says her name in the hall to get her attention.

Clay has become sensitive to collective responsibility. He clearly acknowledges that Hannah made the decision to end her life, thus it is not his personal responsibility but hers. Yet he feels the collective guilt that comes from tragedy.

What have we done that a person feels this is the only way out?

How can humanity be like this?

Why didn’t anyone see the signs?

These are the questions people ask when a tragedy occurs and these questions put the responsibility on the collective rather than the individual. Yet no one has to take personal responsibility for the tragedy except the one individual who directly caused it.

Talking about collective responsibility can be difficult because in the end, we are each responsible for our individual choices no matter how bad or good those choices are and regardless of circumstances. Yet, at the same time, we make choices every day that directly affect other people in sometimes very intimate ways. So where do I become responsible for your actions?

That’s less of a direct question and more of a let’s-start-a-discussion-on-that kind of question because it’s a grey area in my opinion.

13 Reasons Why can be seen as that question in book form. Asher shows both sides of the conundrum: Hannah’s personal responsibility for her own life while and also the collective responsibility of the 13 people on the tapes. It’s very nuanced and I don’t see Asher drawing a hard line where one person stops being responsible and the other starts. Instead, he creates a compelling narrative that weaves between the lines of one person’s troubled relationships with individuals who are part of a larger collective.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

A Thank You Post

It’s been a long week and I don’t really have a normal post today. It was one of those weeks where I start thinking about a couple of different ideas but just didn’t bring them to any kind of conclusion. But I didn’t want to leave you hanging with nothing this week.

So I’d just like to take this week and just say thank you to you, my reader. Without you, I probably would’ve given up on this blog months ago. It’s so encouraging to see that someone cares about reading this stuff. Whether you’re my best friend or a complete stranger, I appreciate you. Seriously.

I don’t know how to explain how elated I am every week when I see that I have views on my post. It’s both amazing and terrifying. Someone out there cares about this little blog on the internet that I run from my parents’ house, which is amazing! It’s also scary to see people reading it because it means people care about this little blog on the internet!

It’s a paradox. I love that people care but also it feels like a big responsibility to have a platform and to share with people.

But I love it anyway. I love seeing comments and responding to your thoughts. I want this to be a conversation as much as it is just me throwing my thoughts out there.

Thanks for showing up for this one! If you’re new here, thank you for trying out my blog! Thank you to each of you for being awesome and thank you especially to those who come here week after week to read my content!

I Didn’t Want to Write a Political Post

I want to write about something not related to the election but everything feels related to the election. It’s like, because it’s only been a few days, I don’t think I can talk about anything else. I could share an opinion that is not politically charged. I could talk about something that matters to me but isn’t about our president or other representatives. However, since it’s what’s on everyone’s mind right now, it feels like someone will spin it into a political post. It’s like if a TV show was going to run an episode about a school shooting but then an actual school shooting happened three days before it was supposed to air. The show wasn’t making any kind of commentary about the school shooting but now it feels way too relevant to put that out there.

This isn’t exactly the same phenomenon but it’s similar. Big events seem to taint your opinions. People start reading into your comments and thoughts as if they must be referencing the event in some way. If you do manage to talk about something completely unrelated to the event, people may see you as out of touch or maybe that you don’t care about what happened. Maybe you don’t care about the event, but is that what you want to tell people? Maybe you’re just trying to move past it. Maybe you made an obligatory comment about it already and now want to keep life moving.

It’s starting to feel like this is less of a problem with posting an opinion or comment and more about other’s perceptions about what you’re trying to say. After a major event, you tend to read into things a bit more. At least I do. Why wouldn’t something at the forefront of your mind influence how you read and think about media and conversation? Someone could say something completely unoffensive but under the circumstances it has become offensive.

Maybe what I’m doing here is just expressing how I’m starting to feel a certain amount of pressure from this blog. It sounds a tiny bit silly, even to myself, but I feel the responsibility of writing well and writing what I believe. I want to be clear and real with my readers and though you readers are few right now, I can already see you are growing. It makes me really happy but at the same time, a bit nervous. I have a responsibility to God to write the truth, I have responsibility to myself to write honestly, I have a responsibility to my readers to continue writing and live up to at least a few expectations.

While I’m pretty good at taking criticism and not taking negativity too personally, I sometimes think about the future of this blog. Will it continue to grow? Will I keep writing about the same things? How will newcomers react to my work? How many new opportunities will open up because of this? I sometimes think about, when this place grows more, will people start being very negative? I’m all for good discussion but I know that bloggers can get a lot of hate for writing things that seem innocent. I’ve never had to deal with anything like that before.

Perhaps this is cart-before-the-horse thinking, or maybe I’m arrogantly thinking I’ll become famous (I don’t want to be famous), but it’s hard to ignore. I’ve chosen to make some of my life public through this blog. But I know from seeing other people start off small (on Youtube, Instagram, etc.)  and grow bigger and bigger that if my blog and other works grow there will be a time when a lot of people will be reacting to what I say. That’s a little scary in a world with as much accessible information as ours is.

Just look at the recent election (HA! Tricked you! This IS ((apparently)) political in some way!): there are people being attacked on both sides. Whether you didn’t want Trump to win and you’re devastated or if you did want Trump to win and you’re elated. Trump supporters are feeling threatened by protesters who talk about beating up anyone who voted for him. Clinton supporters are feeling belittled and humiliated by attacks on social media and the barrage of news about what’s going to happen next. When you put your beliefs and opinions in the limelight, so to speak, there are those who think it is their job to either affirm or tear down. Regardless of who you supported, we have to think about the good of the country and coming together after such a divisive election. You don’t change people’s hearts and minds by electing the official you wanted. You change them through love and conversation and information.

This post went from talking about events influencing how people interpret innocuous information to how I feel about the growth of my blog to being calm and understanding about the outcome of the recent election. I’m not sure what to leave you with this week. I generally try to give a good, coherent thought at the end of my posts but this was a progression through several thoughts.

I know that the election will not be as poignant a topic for my readers in other countries (I am curious if anyone outside the US reading this followed the election at all?) but I hope that there is still something positive to take away this week.

Be understanding of those who want to move on quickly and not talk about events for very long. Be understanding of those who need some time to consider the event and figure out their feelings about it. Be kind to those putting their opinions out there. Basically, do good, regardless of who that good is for.

Snapshot of My Life #2

My first post on my blog was a “Life Update” type. That was six months ago which feels crazy. I’ve been maintaining this blog for half a year now! I don’t know if I find that intimidating or encouraging! I’ve been getting more visitors on here from more places around the world which is really cool!

So what have I done in six months? I’m going to update you on what I mentioned in my last Snapshot then move on from there.

Well, I finished the front porch for my dad. It took about 4 weeks longer than I had expected it to and dad had to help me with some of it but it’s done and it looks good. I don’t think I’ll be taking on any more large household projects for a while. I’m going to be living at my parents’ house for a while longer. I had a writing job opportunity that I really wanted to take but when I sat down to figure out what I could afford, I couldn’t pay off my loans and also survive on the pay. So I applied in the area and got a job at a bookstore in the mall half an hour from my house. I am also officially hired at one of the craft stores in the same area though I haven’t started there yet.

The bookstore is pretty good. It’s only 18 hours a week but I’m pretty happy with the work. It’s not writing but with my loan payments starting soon, I need something that’s going to pay that bill. It’s slow right now but business should pick up soon with the holidays rushing closer and closer. I like being around books and it’s encouraged me to get back into reading. It’s even helped my writing because I tend to work on stories during my breaks. I haven’t decided whether I like dealing with customers all the time but my coworkers are great.

If you’ve been following my blog for the last couple months then you know that I finished and published my ebook! I can also finally check some of my stats so I can see I’ve made a few dollars on it already! The stats aren’t up to date (they are only available quarterly) but it’s encouraging to see that I’ve made something off my writing already!

I’m definitely still feeling a bit stagnant. I’m still reminding myself that I’m in a decent place right now. I’m being responsible, trying to pay off as much of my debt as possible before moving out. Although I wish I had decided to do this as soon as I graduated (I could have been working for the last few months instead of waiting so long to find work in the area), I can’t change the past so I’ll be focusing on the future for now. It feels… anticlimactic to have made these decisions five months after graduating. I did things in the last six months, but I didn’t know what I was going to be doing then. I didn’t have a concrete plan beyond writing. Which was an okay plan but I hadn’t really considered how crippling my loans are to my plans of moving out on my own.

Once I get my loans paid down a good amount and hopefully have some savings, I can think about moving out. Oh, also I’ll need to get a car at some point. *sigh*

So I guess I’m moving along, slowly but surely. I’m building a readership, selling a few ebooks here and there, working at a bookstore, helping out around the house some, and still downsizing my room/possessions. There’s not really a lot else to say but that. I feel like it’s all just day to day life now. Like, “What’s new?” Literally nothing. Still doing all the same stuff.

But I’m not discouraged by this. I’m working on my writing, going to start paying off my loans soon, reading a couple new books, participating in my church, and overall just doing well. I don’t know all that the future holds for me right now and though I had wanted to be in a different place by now, I feel like this is where God wants me to be and that’s enough.

Like It or Not, You Are Your Pet’s Parent

I do not call myself my cat’s ‘mom’ or ‘furmom’ as some these days identify. I don’t consider my pet a person or anything like that. I did not birth this animal. I did not adopt through a process that would require me to make sure my entire life and home will be tailored specifically to the care of this animal (I don’t know the entire adoption process for children but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s a lot more intensive than getting a cat).

But I am still my cat’s parent.

“What?” You might ask. “How can you say you’re not a pet parent yet say you are a pet parent?”

What does a parent do for their child? They love, feed, teach, admonish, and encourage. They make sure they’re eating properly, they take them to the doctor when they’re sick, they correct negative behavior, and when the child is young or nonverbal, they have to be in tune with every aspect of the child’s life to keep them healthy. Parents have to use tough love sometimes in order to keep their child safe, they have to get good care for the kid when they can’t take care of them for a time. There’s a lot more but I’ll stop there.

What does a pet owner do for their pet? They love, feed, teach, correct, and encourage. They make sure they’re eating properly, they take them to the vet when they’re sick, they have to use tough love sometimes in order to keep them safe. They have to find good care when they can’t take care of them for a time. They have to be in tune with every aspect of the pet’s life to keep them healthy.

See some similarities? The difference being that most children grow up and are able to tell parents what’s going on. My cat can’t tell me how her day was like a teenager can. An animal is voiceless. They cannot tell you where they are hurt, they cannot tell you why they’re acting out, they can’t point out their abuser, they can’t talk out their stress, etc. The only one who can speak for your pet is you. You have to know your pet. You have to understand what their actions mean. You have to tell the vet what’s been going on in their life. You have to make judgments based on what is best for them without knowing if they like those choices or not.

There’s a cheesy quote out there about how your pet may be only one part of your world but you are your pet’s entire world. It’s usually painted over a picture of an adorable puppy or kitten to tug at your heart strings. Despite the emotional ploy to get you to share/like, this quote is true. My cat knows nothing beyond me and my family. She doesn’t have connections outside this house. She can’t choose to leave. She didn’t come here because she wanted to. This is the only world she knows. How can I willingly choose to hurt or abandon her? She can’t call the police on me, she can’t talk to friends about the care she’s receiving. And why would she? I feed her and love her and she seems happy with that. I know she’s happy because I pay attention to her. I spend time with her. Animals have relationships with their owners just as people have relationships with each other.

Committing to care for the life another living creature is a big thing. It’s not something that you should ever choose on a whim. A cat is a 12 to 18 year commitment and a dog is similar depending on the breed. That is literally like having a child. If you’re not ready to take care of an animal for the rest of its life, don’t get one.

If I am no longer able to care for my cat then it is my responsibility to make sure she is still cared for. If I knew I wouldn’t be able to take care of her for more than the next few months and I spent that time deliberating over whether or not to take her to a shelter, she wouldn’t know. I can prepare myself for that day. I can make myself feel better about the decision. I can say goodbye. She can’t. I am her whole world and when I walk into that shelter all she knows is that it’s a new, loud, scary place with people she doesn’t know and strange animal smells everywhere. She would look to me for security and safety in this new place but suddenly I’m not there. (I understand that circumstances change but at the same time I feel like it can be an excuse to drop animals off at shelters. Find a new home yourself, where you can keep in touch with the new owners to make sure the animal is well cared for.)

Do you remember when you were six and lost sight of your parent in the grocery store? Can you recall that moment of total panic while a million horrible scenarios ran through your mind? Multiply that by ten and perhaps you will feel what an animal feels when suddenly the person who was supposed to be there, the ONLY person they have known for most of their life, leaves them with no explanation.

I am not against people finding new homes for pets they can absolutely no longer care for. But I think that people should be more responsible in the first place. An animal is a commitment, not a fling.  It’s a long term relationship. It’s not having a child, but it’s like having a child. You are responsible for that animal. Whether you like it or not, you are that pet’s parent, their only voice in this world. Act like it.

Maybe Got Scammed, Maybe Don’t Care

He came up to me and my sister at the mall (almost walked past us), said he was stranded, trying to get to some town an hour and a half away. Had his wife and two-year-old in the car. Said he tried to use his military ID at Sears to get some kind of discount. No cash. Ten or twelve dollars would probably get them home.

I don’t really believe his story. He has literally EVERY emotional trigger you could have in a story, veteran, father, husband, stranger far from home, stranded. Part of me wants to believe him. I want to help a person in need. So I gave him five bucks.

A nice, older gentleman came up to us after the other guy walked away, “Did he ask you for money? He had just asked me.”

“Yeah, I gave him five bucks.”

“Seemed like he was looking for something else, like a fix. Did you see how he was sweating.”

I shrug. “Five bucks is no skin off my nose.”

We walk away.

I realize, I don’t really care if I gave five dollars to a drug addict. I don’t care if I gave five dollars to a devoted husband just trying to get his family home. I don’t care. Because if I care then I have to analyze and figure out if he was telling the truth or not. I have to justify my actions to myself. I have to make myself believe I did the right thing. But you don’t have to do any of that if you just don’t care about the whole situation.

I was going to say no. Was gonna tell him to move along, especially when he brought up the two-year-old kid in the car. Like, dude. You already had me, I’m grabbing some ones, less is more. But I didn’t. It’s that part of me that wanted to believe him. I’ve been solicited for money before and I’ve said no before. I’m not irresponsible. But I’ve heard far too may stories of people at their lowest, just absolute rock bottom, who were helped by begging ten bucks off a stranger and that ten bucks saved their life. I don’t think I saved any lives. Then again, maybe I did. I’ll never know.

But I’m totally okay with that.

Honestly, I’m a very cynical person. The world is bleak. The economy sucks, my job prospects suck, the presidential candidates suck, environmentally we’re in shambles, the world is infected with war, poverty, hunger; I don’t need more reasons to distrust humanity. Humans are, on the whole, vile. So when a person appearing in need comes up to me and says all he needs is a few bucks to make his life a little better, I figure I can spare some change. Even though I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth, I don’t care. I need to give him the five dollars probably more than he needs it.

So in the end, I gave an untrustworthy person a few dollars because I selfishly need to think that it’s possible he used that money for something good. I acknowledge that it’s also possible he used it for something bad. But I choose not to care either way. I’ll never know and I’ll not dwell on it beyond this. God didn’t call me to be kind only when I’m absolutely sure that everything is going to go perfectly well. He called me to show love and that gets harder and harder every day. Like I said, I don’t do this every day, I don’t hand out money to every person who asks. I research charities before I give, I spend carefully, I try to give material possessions to ensure things will be used and not money spent irresponsibly. But then occasionally times come when you must act and don’t have time to deeply consider (Note: in these times, be responsible with your money. If the guy had asked for twenty, I would have said no without thinking. He asked for a small amount that isn’t going to affect me in the long run).

The more I think about it, the more selfish I become. I did it for myself, not him. I can’t let my only glimmer of kindness toward humanity flicker into darkness just because someone MIGHT not be legitimately in need right this moment. Just because there are people out there who don’t need the money doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there who do need it. I can’t let the scammers and drug addicts take away my ability to give. They’ll know we are Christians by our love. And if that love is giving a guy five dollars in the mall because he needs it more than I do, then so be it.